I know this is a little off my normal kind of topics. Usually I talk about progress and the strategies I employ to try and make this thing work. Instead, I want to talk about motivation. Specifically how emotions affect your motivation - or at least mine.

I have noticed that when I’m in a good mood, with lots of energy, I am more optimistic. My situation doesn’t change, except with what action I’m able to take (and that isn’t readily apparent, since it takes days, sometimes weeks, for my actions to have an effect). Being more optimistic, I tend to be more motivated. This allows me to actually get more done. It’s almost like a cycle that feeds itself. If you have success, even small ones, then you want to continue that and build on it. That in turn builds the emotional high that is required to get (and stay) motivated.

Now if something interrupts that cycle, then there is a problem. The issue is that with a mood change for the worst, motivation will be hurt and therefore so will actions. Whatever it is that causes this change is a problem. With me it has been a letter from My ex’s lawyer demanding more documentation on my income. They never ask about expenses, I notice. Funny that. All she wants is to get more money from me. Why is it that men in a divorce are treated like wallets and perceived as nothing more than something to contribute money? Where is it written that parents have to pay their children? Really! If I was not getting divorced, I would not have to provide more than I already do for my kids. I buy them clothes, food, share my home with them, give them my love, guidance and attention. If my ex and I were together, we would (of course) have to share in child care costs. But there are none, since her mother babysits for nothing (as my mother would, if we lived in the same city with her). So what, exactly, am I paying for? So that their mother, who abused me and chose to leave, even when I was willing to go through the counselling with her to overcome that, can have a better lifestyle than I have? Yes, I’m getting bitter and upset. I can’t afford any more money or time, or I wouldn’t be doing this crazy quest, which keeps me up at night, which is hurting my health, but for which I’m only getting about $20 a month right now (if that). Great, it pays for itself. Well, almost.

So how has this affected my motivation?

I’m ready to say, “Screw it all!” I’m almost ready to throw in the towel and apply for bankruptcy or at least a consumer agreement. It’s killing me, and I can’t even get my ex to understand how tough it is. Her house is in both of our names. If I do this, I will certainly lose one of these houses, probably both. I wonder how that would make her feel… I don’t want to disrupt my kids’ lives any more than I already have. It’s crazy. I can’t deal with her insanity any more! I have decided that I am going to meet with a bankruptcy consultant and at least see what a “consumer agreement” means and what it will cost me. And my ex. We’ll see what happens. Yes, I’ll put that on here.

G-d, it would have been nice if I could have found a woman who was actually able to support me in the way that one would expect a marriage partner to. I should have left her years ago. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would have. How stupid is that? I guess I just love my kids too much and don’t want to lose them. After all, she has used them as weapons against me before. And I find that despicable.

Yes, my motivation has gone to the toilet in this whole thing. At least for the moment. I won’t give up, though, since I’m not that kind of person. I will still write the article that I have scheduled to do today (on top of my day job, 10 hours today), and teaching for 3 hours tonight (but that’s volunteer - I don’t get paid, expect that it really keeps me in shape). Add in about 90 minutes for driving across the city 3 times, and that’s 14-1/2 hours of the day gone, just in work. How about eating? I’ll probably sleep about 5 hours tonight, just to get some of this stuff together. And how does this affect my health, having to work so much?

Lord, please help me! Sometimes (okay all the time) I wish I could just win the lottery. Then I could quit my job, do the writing and art I want to. I could even open up a full-time martial arts school, if I won enough. And I could tell my ex where to go! I’d even buy “her” house and put it into my kids’ names. Then she could live there and just pay the utilities and taxes each year on it. That would be considered good enough for “child support”, I think.

okay, I’ve had a minor complaint session. I suppose I can let it go now… For the moment.

Yes, emotions really affect one’s motivation. For me it’s when I’m happy and have a positive outlook that my motivation is high. If I get angry, frustrated, sad, or scared, then my motivation for business and work in general goes into the toilet. Who else feels this way?